Polyvagal Theory and Co-Regulation

Mammals have evolved to live and thrive in community. We laugh differently when we share laughter as opposed to giggling on our own over a book or funny moment; our brain responds differently when we share laughter with others. The same is true with crying. Our bodies experience crying differently if we are alone or with someone. We are linked, and more specifically, our nervous systems are linked. I am a deep empath and have always been able to feel, know, and understand others’ emotions. My body feels other people’s emotions. It can get complicated. I have had to learn how to cultivate this gift and to learn how to control it as much as possible, which requires a dedicated practice for cultivating my knowledge of self; if I am clear with what is mine, then everything else is not mine. If I am not conscious enough about this, other people’s emotions literally feel like my own. This awareness presents as visceral, gut feelings. It’s interesting to be me.  

When I discovered Dr. Stephen Porges and the Polyvagal Theory (PVT), I suddenly understood so much about my gut feelings. Dr. Porges coined the term neuroception. The vagus nerve is the largest cranial nerve in the body, and 80% of it originates in our viscera, or organs, much of it in our lower digestive tract. These nerve endings are sensory-motor neurons; they are scanning the environment for cues of danger or cues of safety. In my case, it overlaps with intuition. For me personally, other people’s emotions are instantly picked up and the information is sent to my brain stem for processing. This all happens pre-thought. My body responds to my environment before my mind has a chance to weigh in. 

My stomach hurt for years on end when my parents divorced as a child, and even now, 35 years later, sometimes during yoga, my six-year-old stomachache returns. I will try to reason my way through it with questions like: what did I eat that is making my stomach hurt? did I eat too close to class? Ha ha ha! Very funny. No, sweet sister, it’s just your trauma re-emerging, looking for a way out. Something about the safety of yoga and the intention of being in my body, creates a space for this healing to be possible. As I continue to heal, other people’s emotions are clearer to me, and yes, I can often feel it in my body, but now I don’t usually confuse it as my own emotions as I did before. Progress. So yes, there is an overlap with neuroception and intuition, but for me, at least they are not the exact same thing.  

I would love to do more research on the subject with other individuals who have the gift of clairsentience, the ability to know and feel others emotions. My trauma history plays a role in this, so that is an ongoing factor. I can use this gift in my massage therapy practice when helping individuals process pain and trauma trapped in their physical body. I will run into an area in their body that feels different and will show up as an emotional issue more than a physiological one. I will ask my body what is here? and then there is an answer. It’s usually simple. Our core emotions are few—usually it’s fear or sadness. I can offer Reiki to supercharge my nervous system and my own ability to self-regulate.  

When I am regulated, my client’s dysregulated nervous system can then use my nervous system to create balance or regulation within their autonomic nervous system. From a polyvagal lens, we are co-regulating. Most of the time, this is done without any language. Our nervous systems are communicating. This is a more extreme example, but co-regulation is an inextricable part of our human experience. When you hug someone you love, for more than four seconds and your body does that sigh—boom!—you just co-regulated. When your child begs you to stay longer for a bedtime tuck-in—boom!—they need your nervous system to co-regulate.  

I have a history of panic attacks and dissociation. I understand enough about myself now to know when I am dissociated. The numbness is glorious, and I feel invincible. No one can hurt me, nothing can, because I am numb. I also know I can’t get out alone. I literally need to hold the hand of a loved one. Hand holding is also a shortcut out of panic attacks for me. I have been in the middle of a panic attack with my son nearby who asked what he could do. “Hold my hand,” I said, and I was instantly back in my body and could breathe again. It was totally surreal, and I bet I’ll remember the powerful and instant transformation for the rest of my life. He is the safest person on the planet for my body. Is it because I made him? Because his nervous system was created within my own? I am not sure; we have a long history of co-regulation. I delivered him myself (don’t worry the midwives were there) but I pulled him out and brought him to me. I held him for more than an hour before anyone else touched him. I nursed him for 18 months, and it was a profound tool for when he was injured, sad, tired or scared. Even now, as a 15-year-old young man with an autism diagnosis, he will oftentimes get really close when he needs to co-regulate because his nervous system is under strain from the environment. He is profoundly dyslexic and has trauma around reading from tutors and school. When we work on reading, he gets very close, brings a pet onto his lap, and I carefully cultivate my own self-regulation through reiki and deep breathing. He is co-regulating. Just having an open book in front of him will challenge his nervous system and ability to self-regulate. All the highly trained dyslexic remediation tutors were unable to help him because he couldn’t co-regulate with them. Fascinating.  

This is the same explanation for when my stomach is in knots when I am at the grocery store and a parent is being cruel to a child. My body senses danger, pain, and fear. I can feel the parent’s rage as well as the child’s fear. I am curious about this conversation of empathy, co-regulation, neuroception, and clairsentience. I have a unique vantage point, and I understand that we all fall on a spectrum. One simple truth is that we are all impacted by one another’s nervous systems. Some more delicately and profoundly than others, however, co-regulation is a part of our human story. When someone you care about is in distress, notice if you can pause, breathe deeply and offer a hand to hold. Perhaps there will be transformation. Think of how we could change the world by offering safety to others one moment at a time.